Day 50 - Halfway There

And so we (by which I mean me) have reached a significant milestone. In 50 days, I (by which I mean me) turn 30. It's also been 50 days since I started this blog.

And what a rollercoaster ride it has been so far. Monkeys, Garfield, Chuck Norris, the life expectancy of the hippopotamus - we've covered them all.

But we haven't talked about Bob Moose Jr. Mr Moose was one of those unfortunate few unlucky enough to pass away on the same day they were born. Well, not the same day, but the same date, years later. And it's still sad.



Bob Moose Jr died on his 29th birthday on the way to his birthday party. So he never got to blog about turning 30. Let's not think about that, however, but rather, about his successful baseball career with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Wait, the Pittsburgh Pirate? I know what you're thinking. Andre, don't you own a Pittsburgh Pirates cap? A cap celebrating what we previously thought was an obscure baseball team? The same team Bob Moose Jr played for?

Isn't that a little spooky?

Yes I do. Yes it is. (Here is a picture of me wearing the cap. While standing next to a Biker Scout from Star Wars, just to lighten the mood.)

So let us celebrate reaching 50 posts. But let us also remember Bob Moose Jr. And let us also thank my friend Stuart for providing me with a very fine hat indeed.

Day 51 - Why America is Awesome

This is by far my laziest post to date, but I had to share this. A 100% authentic campaign ad for the US presidential election from Republican Mike Huckabee - featuring Chuck Norris. Yes, Walker Texas Ranger.



Apparently Opra endorsed Obama today. Bah! Is Oprah a Texas Ranger? Was Oprah in Dodgeball? I don't think so! Viva Chuck. (Actually, the bigger shame is that Mr Norris is not running for president himself.)

Day 57 - Education Revolution

Firstly, apologies for the lack of posts recently. I will now endeavour to update more regularly so that you, the reader (yes, reader singular - you know who you are) can enjoy fresh servings of turning-30-I-can't-believe-it writing.

And so to today's post.

When you get older, people expect you to be a bit more mature. To be a bit wiser than when you started. In short, you are expected to have learnt something. Here is a list (by no means comprehensive) of some of the things that you are meant to know by the time you are thirty. Please score yourself as you go along.

1. What capital gains tax is.
Apparently, lots of people who are thirty or over have 'assets'. Not having any 'assets' (an unbroken run of Incredible Hulk comics from the late 90s notwithstanding), I wouldn't know. However, it is useful to know that there is this tax that exists that can totally make your tax return hard to fill in.
Scoring:
- I know what capital gains tax is. Duh. (3 points)
- Capital gains tax? Isn't that..? Uh...zzzzzzzzzzzz. (0 points)
- I also know what negative gearing is. (5 points)
- I utilise negative gearing (-100 points for making the housing market more expensive)

2. Who your superannuation is with, and what it's being invested in.
It is possible to have your superannuation sitting in a fund that invests it ethically. It's also possible to have it sitting in a high risk, short term gains fund, or a low risk fund if you've got the time. Alternatively, like me, you can have your super sitting in five different funds because you forgot to collect all the funds together every time you changed jobs. I like to think of this as 'diversifying my portfolio', although my accountant friends refer to it as 'stupid'.
- I know where my super is. (3 points)
- I've always known. (1 additional point)
- I also know how my super is being invested (2 additional points)
- I don't know if I even have super (0 points)
- Super schmuper. But I like Superman (5 points)
- Although I was underwhelmed by Superman Returns (6 points)

3. Which council municipality you are in.
Admittedly, many people under 30 know what council they live in because they have (a) received a parking fine from them, (b) received another fine from them; or (c) work for the council. But if (a), (b) and (c) don't apply, over 30s should know their council for a very important reason. TO KNOW WHO TO COMPLAIN TO. If you haven't had a good whinge to your council about something, you're not really trying. Here's a few things you can complain about: rubbish collection, recycling collection, the state of the footpaths, animal waste on footpaths, lack of public facilities, the level of rates, council expenditure, the state of politics in Russia.
- I know my council, thank you. (3 points)
- I don't know. (0 points)
- Um...is it the Jedi Council? (-2 points)
- Oh come on. Jedi Council!!! That's funny. (-3 points)
- Dude! Jedi Council. From Star Wars! You know, Yoda! (-1 point)
- Fine. Whatever. (-1 point)

4. Why kids today have it so much better than you did.
You have to know this. If you're thinking, well, it's tough for kids today - YOU ARE WRONG. Or under 30. You will learn.
- I had to walk 12 miles to school everyday. In the snow. Yes, in the snow, in Australia (3 points)
- Without shoes (3 points)
- And with no knees (-1 point for lying)
- Our animated films were in 2D (3 points)
- Etc (1 point)
- Wait! Kids have it tough today, don't they? (-5 points)

OK, let's score:
- If you actually added up your score as you went along: um....good for you.
- If you didn't...you got a 5. Well done. Don't go back and add the scores. You got a 5. Trust me.

Days 71 to 78 - Special Catch-up edition

Well, yes. It's been a while between drinks. Not literally, of course. I mean that it's been a while since I posted on this blog. Hopefully you have all used this time to catch up on some of the old posts.

You haven't? Well, go do that now. I'll wait.

Oh, you're back. Look, I'm sorry I haven't posted. But I'll make it up to you with this grab bag of goodies. Yes, a bribe.

Firstly, here is a site that provides you with monkey related news. It's a trifle serious for my tastes, but beggars can't be choosers when it comes to monkey news!

All right, if you didn't like that one, visit this blog. This blog puts my monkey related postings to shame. Way to blog! Blog. Blog. Blog. (It sounds funny if you say it over and over.)

Now here's something even better. Monkeys performing parodies of classic movies. Oh Youtube, how did we ever survive without you!

First up...have you ever wondered what Yoda would be like...as a monkey? I know I have.



Second up...Die Hard (Monkey Edition).



There's heaps more of these on Youtube, go look!

OK, I admit that this was a pretty weak post, but everything should be back on schedule next week!

Day 79 - The Monkey Yardstick

Leaving aside the question of whether orangutans are monkeys (answer: close enough), it seems that blogs such as this one that are blatantly pro-monkey have won over our PM.

Now he's going to give $500,000 to save the orangutans in Borneo.

This is smart politicking. In one swoop, John Howard has sewn up:
- the monkey vote
- the Borneo vote
- the "I thought hospitals were getting too much anyway" vote.

Of course, this is only if the Liberals win. Some say that this promise is a clear indicator that John Howard no longer thinks they can, and is just trying to see if he can get Kevin Rudd to copy him on everything. I agree. It is clear that we have a new way of measuring whether someone is taking an election campaign seriously or not - the monkey yardstick.

If your election campaign is flagging and nothing, but nothing, will chase those blues away, then there's a sure fire way of raising spirits high! The monkey yardstick! The monkey yardstick says "I've given up!" but in a fun, monkey-friendly way! Get your monkey yardstick today!

The monkey yardstick is great for local council elections:
"I think we should repair the footpath near the shops!"
"I think we need more monkeys!"

For arguing in court:
"He was holding the knife, was covered in blood and was shouting 'I did it! I did it!'"
"Your Honour, with all due respect - monkeys."

For the home:
"I want to watch Deperate Housewives."
"Yes, but I...well...fine. Monkey monkey monkey."

Day 80 & 81 - Weekend Edition - And hilarity ensued...

Welcome to a very special edition of the blog that celebrates (laments?) turning 30.

When you think of the year 1978, what do you think of? If you said "It's the year that some awesome people were born in, particularly awesome blog writers" then thankyou, and stay off the medication. However, if you're thinking about the first appearance of a fat, orange cat, you'd be right too.


Yes, folks. 1978 marks the comic strip debut of that lasagna eating feline, Garfield. So, yeah, Garfield turns 30 next year, joining me and other luminaries such as Ashton Kucher and Ben Cousins.

Garfield appears in over 2500 newspapers, has featured in two movies, an animated series, a computer game and, most importantly of all...he used to be funny. I think.

As a kid, I used to collect the Garfield strips from the newspaper and then paste them in a big black folder. And I used to think they were hilarious. But maybe they weren't. Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield (and who doesn't even draw the strip anymore - other people do it for him!) said that he had made a conscious attempt to avoid social commentary. And boy did he succeed. Garlfield predates Seinfeld as a comedy about 'nothing' (aside from a fat cat).

Oh, and I used to have two 'read along with me' Garfield books. You know, you listen to the tape and read along at the same time. Only you read along with the Garlfield comic strips. And my books were not on tape, but on vinyl. And I really like italics.

There's lots I could write about Garfield, but the main thing I wanted to address was the "voice of Garfield" conspiracy. You see, in 1988 (when Garfield was 10 and so was I), he had an animated series (which went for about seven years). And on the series, his voice was provided by the excellently named Lorenzo Music. Here he is...

And here is a tiny, tiny bit of Mr Music in action as Garfield (you'll have to wait until the end - don't worry, it's quite short).



Unfortunately, Lorenzo Music passed away in 2001, so he couldn't be the voice of Garlfield in the feature films. That job went to the hilarious (although sadly, not in this case) Bill Murray. Bill Murray, you might recall, played Dr Peter Venkman in a little film I like to call...Ghostbusters.

Now, Ghostbusters became super popular in the 80s. So popular that like all popular things in the 80s it was given its own cartoon called The Real Ghostbusters. It was called "The Real" Ghostbusters because there was another cartoon called "Ghostbusters" which was based on a black and white TV series. I know, I know. It does not make sense. Don't get me started. Anway, my point is that Bill Murray didn't play Dr Venkman in the cartoon. Guess who did? Yep, Lorenzo Music. (Again, it's near the end of the clip)

So there you have it. The guy who was the first voice of Garfield was the cartoon voice of the guy who would be the voice of Garfield. Get your head around that!

Day 82 - Word Up

You have to love Webster's Dictionary (and not just because it's named after the classic sitcom character). Every year they add new words to the dictionary so that it keeps up with our ever evolving language. Fo' shizzle! So what gems did they introduce almost 30 years ago in 1978?
(All these words were really added in 1978. Honest.)


longneck (noun) - beer served in a bottle that has a long neck

Thanks Webster's! I would never have guessed that a bottle with a long neck was called a longneck! You have done society a great service.


brewski (noun- slang) - beer

As in "I ski, you ski, we all ski for brewski". All right, no one in Australia uses this word - if they do, they have been watching way, way, way too much US television. Even more than me!


shootaround (noun) - a usually informal basketball practice session

Really? I've never ever heard this word before. Don't use it, though. I think if you went around asking people if they were interested in a shootaround you may be quickly picked up by the police.


tweener (noun) - a player who has some but not all of the necessary characteristics for each of two or more positions (as in football or basketball)

Also, Tweener was the name of one of the characters from Prison Break, Series One (and part of Series Two). Way to go, Tweener, you're in the dictionary. Now all we need is a dictionary definition for Scofield (noun) - to be the modern incarnation of MacGuyver. (I apologise to all non-Prison Break watchers who won't get this. Look, Scofield is like MacGuyver - watch the show).


gimme cap (noun) - an adjustable visored cap that often features corporate logo or slogan

What rot. Now they're just making stuff up.


lookism (noun) : prejudice or discrimination based on physical appearance and especially physical appearance believed to fall short of societal notions of beauty

I knew it! I knew this kind of prejudice existed. See you at the Anti-Discrimination Tribunal, modelling agencies of Melbourne! Reject my portfolio will you?!? Here's a sample:


And now for a word that should be in the dictionary, but isn't. Please use it as much as possible:


nigglies (noun): that feeling you get just before you go to see a movie or sit an exam that you need to go to the bathroom.

Day 83 - Over and under (achievers)

It has recently come to my attention that I am not the only person turning 30 next year. In fact, some people may already be 30. Or even older. As such, this blog (which harps on and on about turning 30) is a frightening reminder of how time stops for no-one. Except Marty McFly.

Oh well.

Anyway, just to make us all feel worse, here's a list of things that famous people achieved when they were 30. Actually, some of these things may make you feel better...

1. At age 30, Mark Twain published his first short story, "Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog".

Firstly, how lame does that story sound? Secondly, this was his first story, and he was 30. His best writing years were ahead of him! After reading this blog, you probably think that my best writing years are ahead of me too.

2. Bill Gates was the first person ever to become a billionaire by age 30.

Yes, ok, he was the first person. But that doesn't mean that other people can't achieve the same thing. I, for example, have 83 days to match Mr Gates and become a billionaire. First I have to work out how eBay works. Secondly, I need something to sell on eBay. Thirdly...oh I give up. You might be rich, Gatesy, but do you have love? Do you? Oh, you do. Well, do you have all four series of Futurama on DVD? No? I win!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

3. At age 30, George W. Bush was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol near his family's summer home in Kennebunkport, Maine. He pleaded guilty, was fined US$150, and had his driver's license suspended.

And that guy became president (of the US, not Australia...although some would argue the point). So you see, you can totally be a screw up when you're 30 and still go onto great things. Well, maybe not great. But you can still be president. Ok, you can't be president of the US unless you were born there (sorry Arnie), but you can be president of other things. Like my fan club. Memberships are still available, by the way.

4. Before he was 30, Kirkpatrick MacMillan invented the first real bicycle.

I'm not sure if this one is actually true, but I hope it is. I reckon that Ol' Kirky was nearly 30, looked down, noticed a bit of a belly and thought, I'd better get fit. But in his day, spin classes at the gym just consisted of people turning round and round on the spot and getting dizzy for their trouble. So he invented the bicycle and never looked back (a shame, because he would have seen that he was holding up traffic).

Here are a few things we wouldn't have without Kirky's invention:
- BMX Bandits
- That feeling you get when you're driving along and you're in a hurry, but a cyclist is in front of you and just doesn't care. I could be a doctor going to an emergency. I'm not, but I could be.
- Stackhats
- Spokeydokes (look these up if you don't know what they are)
- Freakishly massive calf muscles
- That song by Queen that goes "I want to ride my biiiiiiicycle, biiiiiicycle...."
- Harley Davidson and the Malboro Man
- That scene where ET and Elliot fly

Day 84 - Things to do and why you don't need to do them

Hello there! There's a lot of lists floating around out there listing all the things you should do before you retire from the crease (that's a sporting analogy - it just sounds awkward when I use them. I need a few nerdier analogies.) There's also a few lists telling you the things you should do before you're 30. But I don't like to be told what to do (just like Han Solo didn't like to be told to meet with Jabba the Hut. See - nerd analogies flow much better on this blog).


So...here are some typical list items and why you don't need to do them.


1. Swim with the dolphins.

Really, what's so great about dolphins? They just have a good marketing department. So good, in fact, that they would have you believe that dolphins are mammals and not fish. Don't be fooled. This is only to prevent people from eating them. Imagine if chickens had figured this out first: "Oh no, don't eat chickens! They're mammals, and they're really intelligent! Seriously!" And we would be visiting Country World on the Gold Coast instead of Sea World.


2. Learn another language.

From my studies of American tourists, I have learnt that if at first you're not understood, then JUST. SPEAK. SLOWLY. AND. LOUDLY. Easy.


3. Run a marathon.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Listen. The very first marathon commemorated the run by a messenger from Athens to Sparta. He was sent to get help because the Persians were coming. If you've seen 300, you'll know this was a daunting prospect. Anyway, unless you're warning someone about the Persians, there's no need to run. Exception - if you're allergic and running away from this type of Persian:

4. Buy a monkey.

Actually, everyone should do this at least once.
(Seriously, you could sponsor one from the zoo or even the Australian Orangutan Project. Or you could smuggle one into the country from India dressed in a coat and hat and with a fake moustache. And when questioned, you can say: "My son has a body hair problem! How dare you!")

Day 85 - Egghead likes his booky-wook!

Those of you who know me well might be surprised that I've waited this long before quoting The Simpsons on this blog (see this post's title).


Having covered the exciting worlds of cinema, television and (briefly) music in 1978, it's time I devoted space to literature, or as we in the art-world like to call it, "them things with words".


Of course, that would require me:
(a) to have read some of the books that were published in 1978; or
(b) to actually have heard of the books that were published in 1978.


And sadly, despite my extensive book collection (every book by Matthew Reilly, some of the paperbacks by Dean Koontz with the best covers, multiple books featuring angsty 20-somethings and 30-somethings, and that issue of Superman where he ends up in the future and has no powers!) I haven't really done (a), and can't really do (b).


Except.


Except there were a few books from 1978 that I have read. Classics in fact. Here are their titles:
Mr Busy
Mr Clever
Mr Grumpy
Mr Mischief
Mr Clever
(Actually, I tell a lie. I've never read Mr Mischief. I just wanted you to think more of me.)


The Mr Men books were a series of colourful children's books all written by super-genius Roger Hargreaves (except some of the recent ones by his kids, but really, the less said about the incredibly lame Mr Birthday, the better).


The concept is simple...the name describes the characteristic that best encapsulates the character. Mr Strong was strong. Mr Small was small. Mr Funny was funny (ish). Mr Tickle was...well, actually, I don't know what the *#%@ Mr Tickle was. I like to think that if I was a Mr Man, I would be Mr Awesome. (Or, Mr Deluded).


Let's take Mr Busy, first published nearly 30 years ago. Mr Busy is great, not just because he highlighted the plight of the time poor years before it became fashionable, but because his name is AWESOME in other languages. In French, he's Monsieur Rapide. In German, Unser Herr Schnell. And in Spanish...this is fantastic...Don Ocupado. Can't you just picture the scene with Don Ocupado?


A: "Don Ocupado?"
B: "Yes? I'm very busy. Mr Busy, in fact."

A: "I need a favour, Don Ocupado. This guy, he has freakishly long arms and keeps tickling me."
B: "We'll send a message to this...Mr Tickle. Mr Strong will take care of it."

A: "Thankyou Don Ocupado. But if your name is in Spanish, shouldn't everyone's name be in Spanish?"
B: "..."

A: "Don Ocupado? What are you...no...no...NOOOOOOOOO!!"
And so on...


By the way, apparently there's going to be a TV cartoon of the Mr Men soon...but some of the men have been...changed. Mr Nosy, for example, does not have a big nose. Hey - note to the producers...Mr Nosy has a big nose. It's not that hard.


Lastly, I will leave you with this thought. The story of Mr Cheerful, the last Mr Man (is that the singular?) created by Roger Hargreaves, is the story of a man who is cheerful only to hide his embarrassing secret! What is his embarrassing secret? Did he write the truly awful Mr Birthday? No. His secret is that he is balding. Seriously. Then he learns to live with it (because he's still a cool guy and plus Mr Happy is just a big circle - it could be worse). Yeah, that's right Mr Men. Mr Cheerful is balding and still cool.


Mr Cheerful is my new hero.

Day 86 - I went so that you didn't have to

Tomorrow is the Melbourne Cup and a public holiday for us good folk in Melbourne town. Not for the rest of the state, though. Because they get...um...well, I'm sure they get another day off...maybe...let's call it "Magic Day". I'm sure that country Victoria knows how well regarded they are by the state government - indicating it or showing it in any way is just plain unnecessary.

Anyway, today saw the annual Melbourne Cup Parade in the heart of the city. Traditionally, the parade features a couple of the horses from the main race, and a few past winners. Not this year...equine influenza (horse flu for those of you not familiar with fancy-speak. By the way, a bird cage is now an 'avian detention centre' and a dog collar is a 'canine necktie').

No horses, you say? (Yes, I can hear you.) Then what is the point? Short answer: No point. Longer answer, so I can bring you photos of top notch celebrities like:

The guy from "Queer Eye for a Straight Guy".

Don't get me wrong. It's awesome that we import celebrities from overseas because ours aren't quite good enough. But if we can have celebrities from cancelled television shows then why can't we have some top shelf celebrities. Like Webster.

Oh, we also had Delta Goodrem, John So and Human Nature. It's great that Human Nature could take time out from their busy schedule of attending things that have nothing to do with them (at least Delta's singing the anthem tomorrow and John So is awesome). I wonder if a phone conversation with them would go like this:

Hello, Human Nature?
Yes?

Do you want to come to our-
Yes!

But I haven't even told you what it is or when it's on...
I'll check our diary. We can come.

Are you sure? I mean, if you're busy...
We'll be there. In fact, we can come over right now. Please let us come over. We'll bring a salad.

Um...ok.
And 4000 copies of our latest album.

There's always a catch.

Day 87 & 88 - Weekend Edition - A horse and a monkey

This Tuesday is the Melbourne Cup - the crown jewel in the Victorian racing calendar. Far classier than any other race day, it's a day on which the men wear suits and pretend that they can taste the difference between Crownies and VB, and the women get to wear massive hats and 'fascinators' (note:- if you're ever considering DJ-ing for a corporate marquee, I think DJ Fascinator is a brilliant DJ name).

So here's today's tenuous link to the blog's theme - who won the Cup in 1978 (year I was born)?

Through the magic of the interweb, I can tell you that it was a horse called "Arwon". Although his name sounds like something out of LOTR (that's "Lord of the Rings", for you non-nerds), he was actually named by reversing the letters in Nowra, the town where one member of the syndicate that owned him lived. Here were the rejected names on the shortlist:
Gnoleeg
Eebirrew
Ruobrah Sffoc
and, the Gaellic sounding: Siht Gnidaer Er'uoy Eveileb T'nac I

And get this. Arwon was the Melbourne Cup's oldest living winner. Until he wasn't. Yes, Arwon lived to the ripe old age of...33. Until he was euthanised! Poor old Arwon. Sure, his mane was thinning a bit, but he managed to comb it over so that no-one noticed. He kept up with the latest youth trends: piercings, dyeing his coat black so he could be a bit 'emo' and neighing ironically. But oh no. We couldn't have a horse that was over the hill, could we? He starts looking at timeshares and noting how capital gains tax is way too high and BLAM! That's it. And you wonder why horses lie about their age. (If you don't, you should).

In monkey related news, a friend living in the UK brought it to my attention that a chimp that could use sign language has died. He was 42, so at least he got a few more years than Arwon, maybe because he was able to sign to the scientists: "You better keep me around or I'll tell everyone where the grant money was really spent."

Day 89 - What are colitas?

So, we've covered movies and television (and if yesterday's entry counts, sport). What next? Even though I have been told that my muscial tastes make my iPod cry, let's try talking music.

In 1978, the "Record of the Year" at the Grammy Awards was none other than the classic "Hotel California" by our feathered friends, the Eagles. But what is it about, exactly? (And don't say "a hotel"). Let me enlighten you with a line by line analysis of the lyrics.

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Comment:- No problem so far. Unless "cool wind" is a type of hair gel.

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Comment:- I always assumed that colitas were something like fajitas, which would explain the warm smell. You will be surprised to learn that this is actually a popular theory. Importantly, colitas are not desert flowers (the most popular theory).

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
Comment:- Man sees light.

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
Comment:- The narrator's neck muscles suddenly collapse, and his cataracts act up. This is bad. I hope he stops for the night.

I had to stop for the night
Comment:- Phew. What a relief.

There she stood in the doorway
Comment:- Who? Who? And what doorway? What are you talking about?

I heard the mission bell
Comment:- So you're at a mission? You're on a mission? Who was in the doorway? The suspense is killing me.

And I was thinking to myself,'this could be heaven or this could be hell’
Comment:- Come on dude, focus! Who's in the doorway?

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
Comment:- Fine. Don't tell me.

There were voices down the corridor
Comment:- Good. Maybe those people will know who this mysterious woman is that you're following into a place so old that it doesn't have electricity (she lit up a candle) after your sight "grew dim". I'm not sure that's all that's dim.

I thought I heard them say...Welcome to the hotel california
Comment: Look. I'm not interested in what you thought you heard. Go and see the people and then tell me what they said, instead of obsessing about wisps of conversation you're too far away to hear. For crying out loud.

Such a lovely place. Such a lovely face.
Comment: OK, so it's not a mission. It seems to be a hotel. With a face.

Plenty of room at the hotel california
Comment: Yes, because there's no electricity.

Any time of year, you can find it here
Comment: I give up. I don't know what "it" is. At this point in the song, here are the things we don't know:
- what colitas are
- why the singer's neck collapsed
- who the frig was in the doorway
- where the mission bell was
- what the mission bell is
- where the singer is
- why there is no electricity
- why he listens to the voices and doesn't ask the mysterious person from the doorway
- what 'it' is.

What an awesome song. So simple and clear. And I haven't even gotten to "tiffany twisted" or captains bringing wine.

Day 90 - Uncanny

Gasp in amazement and wonder at the spooky parallels between fallen from grace AFL star Ben Cousins and my good self!

Ben: Aged 29
Me: Aged 29.

Ben: Turns 30 next year.
Me: Turns 30 next year. With me so far?

Ben: Won the Leigh Matthews trophy while playing for the West Coast Eagles.
Me: Owned a Leigh Matthews footy card.

Ben: Bought ice.
Me: Bought ice for a barbecue. For the drinks.

Ben: Looks like he works out.
Me: Ditto. (It's my blog, I can write what I want)

Ben: Has a tattoo that says "Such is Life", the last words of Ned Kelly.
Me: Was a big fan of Tattoo from Fantasy Island, and have seen the film Reckless Kelly (unfortunately).

Ben: Has visted LA...
Me: Me too!

Ben: For rehab.
Me: For a computer games convention. (Similarities may end here, if they haven't already).

Day 91 - Frequently Asked Questions

Although the counter at the bottom of the screen would have you believe otherwise, this blog is rapidly becoming beloved and read by millions.

As such, I have decided to dedicate today's post to some frequently asked questions. And by 'frequent', I mean that the questions have been asked at least once. Ish.

Q. I thought that this was a blog about monkeys! Where are the posts on monkeys?
A. Well, I can see why you thought that, given the first two posts here and here. However, while this blog certainly has a pro-monkey agenda, it is not about monkeys. We here at 100 days (until I am 30) will endeavour to provide monkey-related content when appropriate, but no guarantees.

Q. What do you have against hippos?
A. I think this blog's pro-monkey, anti-hippo stance speaks for itself.

Q. Did you really meet Cameron from Ferris Bueller? Is the photo real?
A. Yes and yes. I do not have the Photoshop skills to fake it. Also, if you rang him and asked whether he met a guy with a beard when he was in Melbourne, I'm sure he would say yes. Or maybe he'd say "The police are tracing this call, freako." One of the two.

Q. Can I be in the scorching hot new drama serial, Mount Waverley 3149?
A. Yes, provided that you are (a) around 30 years old, give or take and (b) can convincingly play a teenager. For (b), I will accept anyone who can say "Fo' shizzle" with a straight face.

Q. Have you run out of posts already? Why the question and answer session?
A. This interview is over.

Day 92 - Lots of room over the hill

You may be surprised to learn that I am not the only person turning 30 next year. In fact, several minor celebrities are also turning that age. I may do a longer post on some of the more interesting celebs, but for now, here is the honour roll for the class of 2008.

AJ McLean - Member of the Backstreet Boys. Dude, you're nearly 30. Change the band's name.

Christopher Ashton Kucher - Yes, this is Demi Moore's husband. No, I don't know why he dropped the 'Christopher' from his name. Yes, Dude Where's My Car deserves a sequel.

Pieter van den Hoogenband - Dutch swimmer and winner of the 'name I had to check seven times to make sure it was typed correctly' award. And I'm still not sure.

Jason Biggs - The main guy from American Pie. Ashton Kucher, Jason Biggs, the actor who plays Jack McBrilliant (see earlier post) - was 1978 the year for acting geniuses?

Jordan - English 'model'. Not everyone born in 1978 can be a genius though.

Maria Menounos - Probably has done some other acting and modelling and stuff, but should be better known for her appearance on one episode of Scrubs where she only went out with JD because of his hair. Shallow, Maria's character, shallow.

Erica Durance - Plays Lois Lane on Smallville. On the show, Clark Kent doesn't even wear glasses. I wonder who Superman could be? Work it out, Lois.

Nicole Scherzinger - Lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls. Popularised the word "Dontcha".

Jesse Metcalfe - You know the teenage gardner on Desperate Housewives. Not a teenager. I may cast him in the soon to be filmed television drama Mount Waverley 3149.

Katie Holmes - In May 1986, Katie would have been seven. May 1986 is also when Top Gun came out - the film starring her now husband Thomas Cruise Mapother IV (born 1962). So, using Katie as a shining example to all of you turning 30 in 1978, here is a short list of films from 1986 from which you can choose your future spouse:
- Crocodile Dundee. (Hmmm...choose another film)
- The Karate Kid, Part II. (Sorry, Mr Miyagi is no longer with us)
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off. (Matthew Broderick - married. Allan 'Cameron' Ruck - soon to be married. Mia 'Sloane' Sara - was married to Sean Connery's son, now divorced).

Day 93 - Square Eyes

I grew up in the 80s, and like a lot of kids back then, I watched a lot of TV. I mean, a lot. Monkey, The Goodies, Dr Who, Astroboy - these were all friends who understood that being good at sports was for people who went outside. (Where there are bees. And possibly wolves. And Daleks - thanks a lot, Dr Who).

Anyway, not only was I born in 1978, but so was a lot of classic television. So I present to you - "TV stuff that will be roughly 30 years old next year at some point". Enjoy:

TV Stuff That Will Be Roughly 30 Years Old Next Year At Some Point (or, what happened in TV in 1978):

1. The Blues Brothers made their television debut. Yes, that's right. The Blues Brothers turn 30 next year - like me. Hence, I am as cool as the Blues Brothers. (Admit it - it makes sense). As a follow up, if you were born in 2000 (the debut of the lame Blues Brothers 2000), you are not cool. Sorry kids.

2. The Star Wars Holiday special first airs on US television. This is the Star Wars special which has Chewbacca celebrating a Christmas equivalent. Little known fact - awesome bounty hunter Boba Fett first appears here before he appears in the films. So, once again: Boba Fett = cool, Boba Fett = 30 next year, Me = 30 next year, so: Me = cool. (Brilliant language skills, there. Me equals cool.)

3. Diff'rent Strokes begins. What chu talking about, Andre? The adventures of Arnold and Willis are 30 next year? What about that episode where Mr T guest starred as...Mr T? No that's not 30, move on.

4. The Six Million Dollar Man ends. Nooooo! What people didn't understand was that the Six Million Dollar Man was like a house, not a car - he was only ever going to appreciate in value. Also, he made a cool noise when he did six-million-dollar-type things. It went like this: ttttiiiiiinnggggggnnnnnn*

*Yes it did. Click here to hear the sound and prove me right.

Day 94 & 95 - Weekend Edition - Teen Aged

Hello and welcome to a special Weekend Edition of the blog (meaning that I'm combining two days' worth of posting into one). Is it really 'special'? You be the judge (but be kind).

One of the greatest movies of all time is a little film called Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which came out in 1986. Here is the film summed up in a single sentence:- A high school student takes the day off school along with his girlfriend and best friend while his sister and principal try to catch him. Here is the film summed up in a single word:- Awesome.

Anyway, I recently had the opportunity to meet Allan Ruck, who played Cameron (the best friend) in the movie. I think the photo below adequately conveys the awkwardness when film star meets movie nerd.














But wait...he looks a bit older than you'd think for a man who was only a teenager in 1986. Hold on...he only played a teenager in the movie. In fact, when he was playing the 17 year old Cameron Fry, he was in fact 29 years old. The age I am right now.

In theory, if I shave off the beard and never, ever take my cap off to reveal my rapidly fleeing locks, I could play a teenager! Let's face it, the average age of the cast in Beverley Hills 90210 (set in a highschool) was not 18...not even close. Luke Perry played Dylan McKay in the series, a character that was supposedly born in October 1974 (no, I don't know this off the top of my head - thank Wikipedia). In actual fact, he was born 8 years earlier in 1966. Yeah, so when he was playing a 16/17 year old in 1990, he was actually 24. The dude obviously stayed down a couple of years.

So my proposal is this - I say that all of us aged around the 30 mark band together and cast ourselves in a new Australian teen drama. It will be brilliant. We'll feel younger, and we may even get to go to the Logies to meet Toadfish from Neighbours. Here's what I've got so far:

Title: Mount Waverley 3149

Set in fictional Mout Waverley Awesome High, a gang of older-looking teenagers learn lessons about love, life and the education system.

Cast:

Jimmy, the new kid. Age 17. Age of actor playing him: 30. Think Brandon from 90210.

Jessica, his sister. Age 15. Age of actor playing her: 29. Think Brenda from 90210.

Stan, the rebel kid. Age 17. Age of actor playing him: 32-35.

Principal Legend. Age 40. Age of actor playing him: 30, but with a beard.

Vice Principal Jill. Age 30. Age of actor playing her: 30, but also with a beard.

Jack McBrilliant. Age 17. This is my role. I envision the character of Jack to be devastatingly handsome, brilliant at everything, popular and rides a jet powered motorbike that can also travel through time. He also has a dog that can talk. Oh yeah, and Jack is also rich.

Other kids. Ages 15-18. Age of actors: 22-30. Most other kids will be played by models so that real high school kids feel inferior.

If you would like to be in Mount Waverley 3149, please add a comment below, and justify which role you would be perfect for. I am happy for you to create a new role as long as it is (a) a cliche and (b) less awesome that Jack.

Day 96 - It's not a car!

Short entry today - it is the last day of university for me and my fellow post-graduate diploma of journalism students. So, yes, we're going drinking.

At the tender age of 29 (yes, I'm not 30 quite yet), I am (by my estimation), the second oldest in the class. But do I feel old?

Yes. Because:
- Someone in the class thought a Commodore 64 was a car.
- Ghostbusters came out before some of my classmates were born.
- People look at my student card and ask "Really?"
- No-one else seems to require power naps.

Day 97 - It could be worse

This post is for all of those people who will soon turn 30. You know who you are. To you I say - don't worry. Our society still regards people in our age bracket to have many, many years of back-breaking labour left in us. We can still trudge on. You see, it could be worse. We could be living in the dangerous futuristic world of Logan's Run.

As the plot summary on the Internet Movie Database says, in this classic film released in 1976:
"An idyllic sci-fi future has one major drawback - life must end at 30".

The other drawback is that everyone wears jumpsuits and togas.

Anyway, the basic idea is that due to overpopulation, once you reach 30, that's it. It's the glue factory for you. And I don't mean that you get to tour the factory, I mean you are killed. Surprisingly, some people, like Mr Logan, don't like the idea of life ending before they can take up lawn bowls or get senior citizen discounts, and make a run for it. Yes, that's where the title came from - keep up.

So all I'm saying is that it could be worse. You could have seen this film, and wasted a good 120 minutes on it.

(Actually, it could have been even worse - in the novel that the film was based on, the death age was 21. No giant key for you. I haven't read the book, but I'm pretty sure many of the people in it opted for a quick and painless death rather than listen to their mates give an embarrassing 21st speech.)

Day 98 - Neigh sayers

This is a story about how I thought I was a Horse, but was actually a Snake all along.

This year, according to Chinese astrology, is the Year of the Pig. Next year, the year I turn 30, is the Year of the Rat. Or to give it its full title, the Year of the Brown Earth Rat. You see, as well as the 12 animal zodiac, there's also five elements (Wind, Earth, Water, Fire and Metal) that are also associated with colours (Red, Green, Brown, Black, White). I mention this only because 2010 will be awesome - it is the year of the White Metal Tiger. An awesome year...and an even more awesome band name. I give you permission to use it, provided that you promise to rock. But I digress...

The year I was born was 1978, which was, to quote Frank Sinatra, "A Very Good Year". It was also the year of the Brown Earth Horse. Boring. I mean, you would just walk straight past a Brown Earth Horse...unlike a White Metal Tiger. So for a very long time, I thought that I was one of those people lumbered with the most boring astrological star sign ever. Until, one year in high school, in Chinese class, I looked up a calendar which listed the day that Chinese New Year started for each year. And in 1978...it was in February...after my birthday.

This meant - goodbye Brown Earth Horse, and hello to 1977's RED FIRE SNAKE. (Cue wailing electric guitars....peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooow).

Oh, you'll know if someone was born in the year of the Red Fire Snake, my friend. Maybe our snakeskin boots and motorbike will give it away. Or maybe the crash of power chords every time we enter a room.

There is an off chance you will confuse us with a White Metal Tiger person, but I doubt it (last White Metal Tiger year was 1950).

And that is how I roll. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww. (Yes, that is a visual representation of an electric guitar power chord).

PS. I challenge the White Metal Tigers to match our band, the Red Fire Snakes, at the Battle of the Bands in 2028 (giving the 2010 kids time to prepare).

Day 99 - Revenge of the monkeys

Only one day after writing about how mankind is superior to monkeys, the monkeys have struck back. It seems that New Delhi is suffering from a monkey problem, to the extent that monkeys recently attacked the Deputy Mayor, and in 2004, broke into the Ministry of Defence and tore up 'secret documents'.

The end of the article in today's copy of The Australian notes that the city advertised for people to join its team of three monkey catchers, and no-one applied. Three catchers for a total monkey population of around 5500!

Another problem is what to do with all the monkeys. Well, in the 1930's, an enterprising couple came up with the ultimate spectator event - greyhound racing with monkey jockeys. Absolutely true. Ah...the 1930's. Tremble in fear Loretta and Charles David, should the RSPCA ever develop a time machine and a penchant for freeing monkeys.

Stay tuned - more posts on turning 30 coming soon. Promise!

Day 100 - Let the Countdown Begin

It's 100 days until I bid farewell to my mid to late twenties and say hello to the big 30. And I am totally fine with that. Yes, completely fine. So fine with it, in fact, that I have established this blog to count down the days. Rest assured, I plan to make the most of these 100 days...and hope to share it with you, the discerning reader.

I AM BETTER THAN A MONKEY

But first, a quick note on why reaching 30 should be celebrated. Here's the thing - if the boffins over at Pub Quiz Help can be believed, the average life expectancy of a monkey is only 13 years. That's right - between me and a monkey, I have already won. Freaky turtles aside, man generally kicks arse when it comes to life expectancy. Hippos, for example, generally keel over when they are around 30. Theoretically, this means that if there is a hippo at the zoo that was born at the same time as me, I could see it shuffle off this mortal coil at the same time I'm celebrating my birthday milestone. In fact, I think I'll call Werribee Zoo tomorrow and check.

For the curious, here are some other average life expectancies:
* Bottlenose dolphin - 20 (no awkward 21st speeches for Flipper)
* Pig - 10 (actually, I'm not sure how this can be true, what with bacon being so delicious)
* Mouse - 2 (ha, ha)
* Human - 75 (so I'm not even nearly half-way)