Day 84 - Things to do and why you don't need to do them

Hello there! There's a lot of lists floating around out there listing all the things you should do before you retire from the crease (that's a sporting analogy - it just sounds awkward when I use them. I need a few nerdier analogies.) There's also a few lists telling you the things you should do before you're 30. But I don't like to be told what to do (just like Han Solo didn't like to be told to meet with Jabba the Hut. See - nerd analogies flow much better on this blog).


So...here are some typical list items and why you don't need to do them.


1. Swim with the dolphins.

Really, what's so great about dolphins? They just have a good marketing department. So good, in fact, that they would have you believe that dolphins are mammals and not fish. Don't be fooled. This is only to prevent people from eating them. Imagine if chickens had figured this out first: "Oh no, don't eat chickens! They're mammals, and they're really intelligent! Seriously!" And we would be visiting Country World on the Gold Coast instead of Sea World.


2. Learn another language.

From my studies of American tourists, I have learnt that if at first you're not understood, then JUST. SPEAK. SLOWLY. AND. LOUDLY. Easy.


3. Run a marathon.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Listen. The very first marathon commemorated the run by a messenger from Athens to Sparta. He was sent to get help because the Persians were coming. If you've seen 300, you'll know this was a daunting prospect. Anyway, unless you're warning someone about the Persians, there's no need to run. Exception - if you're allergic and running away from this type of Persian:

4. Buy a monkey.

Actually, everyone should do this at least once.
(Seriously, you could sponsor one from the zoo or even the Australian Orangutan Project. Or you could smuggle one into the country from India dressed in a coat and hat and with a fake moustache. And when questioned, you can say: "My son has a body hair problem! How dare you!")