Day 91 - Frequently Asked Questions

Although the counter at the bottom of the screen would have you believe otherwise, this blog is rapidly becoming beloved and read by millions.

As such, I have decided to dedicate today's post to some frequently asked questions. And by 'frequent', I mean that the questions have been asked at least once. Ish.

Q. I thought that this was a blog about monkeys! Where are the posts on monkeys?
A. Well, I can see why you thought that, given the first two posts here and here. However, while this blog certainly has a pro-monkey agenda, it is not about monkeys. We here at 100 days (until I am 30) will endeavour to provide monkey-related content when appropriate, but no guarantees.

Q. What do you have against hippos?
A. I think this blog's pro-monkey, anti-hippo stance speaks for itself.

Q. Did you really meet Cameron from Ferris Bueller? Is the photo real?
A. Yes and yes. I do not have the Photoshop skills to fake it. Also, if you rang him and asked whether he met a guy with a beard when he was in Melbourne, I'm sure he would say yes. Or maybe he'd say "The police are tracing this call, freako." One of the two.

Q. Can I be in the scorching hot new drama serial, Mount Waverley 3149?
A. Yes, provided that you are (a) around 30 years old, give or take and (b) can convincingly play a teenager. For (b), I will accept anyone who can say "Fo' shizzle" with a straight face.

Q. Have you run out of posts already? Why the question and answer session?
A. This interview is over.

Day 92 - Lots of room over the hill

You may be surprised to learn that I am not the only person turning 30 next year. In fact, several minor celebrities are also turning that age. I may do a longer post on some of the more interesting celebs, but for now, here is the honour roll for the class of 2008.

AJ McLean - Member of the Backstreet Boys. Dude, you're nearly 30. Change the band's name.

Christopher Ashton Kucher - Yes, this is Demi Moore's husband. No, I don't know why he dropped the 'Christopher' from his name. Yes, Dude Where's My Car deserves a sequel.

Pieter van den Hoogenband - Dutch swimmer and winner of the 'name I had to check seven times to make sure it was typed correctly' award. And I'm still not sure.

Jason Biggs - The main guy from American Pie. Ashton Kucher, Jason Biggs, the actor who plays Jack McBrilliant (see earlier post) - was 1978 the year for acting geniuses?

Jordan - English 'model'. Not everyone born in 1978 can be a genius though.

Maria Menounos - Probably has done some other acting and modelling and stuff, but should be better known for her appearance on one episode of Scrubs where she only went out with JD because of his hair. Shallow, Maria's character, shallow.

Erica Durance - Plays Lois Lane on Smallville. On the show, Clark Kent doesn't even wear glasses. I wonder who Superman could be? Work it out, Lois.

Nicole Scherzinger - Lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls. Popularised the word "Dontcha".

Jesse Metcalfe - You know the teenage gardner on Desperate Housewives. Not a teenager. I may cast him in the soon to be filmed television drama Mount Waverley 3149.

Katie Holmes - In May 1986, Katie would have been seven. May 1986 is also when Top Gun came out - the film starring her now husband Thomas Cruise Mapother IV (born 1962). So, using Katie as a shining example to all of you turning 30 in 1978, here is a short list of films from 1986 from which you can choose your future spouse:
- Crocodile Dundee. (Hmmm...choose another film)
- The Karate Kid, Part II. (Sorry, Mr Miyagi is no longer with us)
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off. (Matthew Broderick - married. Allan 'Cameron' Ruck - soon to be married. Mia 'Sloane' Sara - was married to Sean Connery's son, now divorced).

Day 93 - Square Eyes

I grew up in the 80s, and like a lot of kids back then, I watched a lot of TV. I mean, a lot. Monkey, The Goodies, Dr Who, Astroboy - these were all friends who understood that being good at sports was for people who went outside. (Where there are bees. And possibly wolves. And Daleks - thanks a lot, Dr Who).

Anyway, not only was I born in 1978, but so was a lot of classic television. So I present to you - "TV stuff that will be roughly 30 years old next year at some point". Enjoy:

TV Stuff That Will Be Roughly 30 Years Old Next Year At Some Point (or, what happened in TV in 1978):

1. The Blues Brothers made their television debut. Yes, that's right. The Blues Brothers turn 30 next year - like me. Hence, I am as cool as the Blues Brothers. (Admit it - it makes sense). As a follow up, if you were born in 2000 (the debut of the lame Blues Brothers 2000), you are not cool. Sorry kids.

2. The Star Wars Holiday special first airs on US television. This is the Star Wars special which has Chewbacca celebrating a Christmas equivalent. Little known fact - awesome bounty hunter Boba Fett first appears here before he appears in the films. So, once again: Boba Fett = cool, Boba Fett = 30 next year, Me = 30 next year, so: Me = cool. (Brilliant language skills, there. Me equals cool.)

3. Diff'rent Strokes begins. What chu talking about, Andre? The adventures of Arnold and Willis are 30 next year? What about that episode where Mr T guest starred as...Mr T? No that's not 30, move on.

4. The Six Million Dollar Man ends. Nooooo! What people didn't understand was that the Six Million Dollar Man was like a house, not a car - he was only ever going to appreciate in value. Also, he made a cool noise when he did six-million-dollar-type things. It went like this: ttttiiiiiinnggggggnnnnnn*

*Yes it did. Click here to hear the sound and prove me right.

Day 94 & 95 - Weekend Edition - Teen Aged

Hello and welcome to a special Weekend Edition of the blog (meaning that I'm combining two days' worth of posting into one). Is it really 'special'? You be the judge (but be kind).

One of the greatest movies of all time is a little film called Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which came out in 1986. Here is the film summed up in a single sentence:- A high school student takes the day off school along with his girlfriend and best friend while his sister and principal try to catch him. Here is the film summed up in a single word:- Awesome.

Anyway, I recently had the opportunity to meet Allan Ruck, who played Cameron (the best friend) in the movie. I think the photo below adequately conveys the awkwardness when film star meets movie nerd.














But wait...he looks a bit older than you'd think for a man who was only a teenager in 1986. Hold on...he only played a teenager in the movie. In fact, when he was playing the 17 year old Cameron Fry, he was in fact 29 years old. The age I am right now.

In theory, if I shave off the beard and never, ever take my cap off to reveal my rapidly fleeing locks, I could play a teenager! Let's face it, the average age of the cast in Beverley Hills 90210 (set in a highschool) was not 18...not even close. Luke Perry played Dylan McKay in the series, a character that was supposedly born in October 1974 (no, I don't know this off the top of my head - thank Wikipedia). In actual fact, he was born 8 years earlier in 1966. Yeah, so when he was playing a 16/17 year old in 1990, he was actually 24. The dude obviously stayed down a couple of years.

So my proposal is this - I say that all of us aged around the 30 mark band together and cast ourselves in a new Australian teen drama. It will be brilliant. We'll feel younger, and we may even get to go to the Logies to meet Toadfish from Neighbours. Here's what I've got so far:

Title: Mount Waverley 3149

Set in fictional Mout Waverley Awesome High, a gang of older-looking teenagers learn lessons about love, life and the education system.

Cast:

Jimmy, the new kid. Age 17. Age of actor playing him: 30. Think Brandon from 90210.

Jessica, his sister. Age 15. Age of actor playing her: 29. Think Brenda from 90210.

Stan, the rebel kid. Age 17. Age of actor playing him: 32-35.

Principal Legend. Age 40. Age of actor playing him: 30, but with a beard.

Vice Principal Jill. Age 30. Age of actor playing her: 30, but also with a beard.

Jack McBrilliant. Age 17. This is my role. I envision the character of Jack to be devastatingly handsome, brilliant at everything, popular and rides a jet powered motorbike that can also travel through time. He also has a dog that can talk. Oh yeah, and Jack is also rich.

Other kids. Ages 15-18. Age of actors: 22-30. Most other kids will be played by models so that real high school kids feel inferior.

If you would like to be in Mount Waverley 3149, please add a comment below, and justify which role you would be perfect for. I am happy for you to create a new role as long as it is (a) a cliche and (b) less awesome that Jack.

Day 96 - It's not a car!

Short entry today - it is the last day of university for me and my fellow post-graduate diploma of journalism students. So, yes, we're going drinking.

At the tender age of 29 (yes, I'm not 30 quite yet), I am (by my estimation), the second oldest in the class. But do I feel old?

Yes. Because:
- Someone in the class thought a Commodore 64 was a car.
- Ghostbusters came out before some of my classmates were born.
- People look at my student card and ask "Really?"
- No-one else seems to require power naps.

Day 97 - It could be worse

This post is for all of those people who will soon turn 30. You know who you are. To you I say - don't worry. Our society still regards people in our age bracket to have many, many years of back-breaking labour left in us. We can still trudge on. You see, it could be worse. We could be living in the dangerous futuristic world of Logan's Run.

As the plot summary on the Internet Movie Database says, in this classic film released in 1976:
"An idyllic sci-fi future has one major drawback - life must end at 30".

The other drawback is that everyone wears jumpsuits and togas.

Anyway, the basic idea is that due to overpopulation, once you reach 30, that's it. It's the glue factory for you. And I don't mean that you get to tour the factory, I mean you are killed. Surprisingly, some people, like Mr Logan, don't like the idea of life ending before they can take up lawn bowls or get senior citizen discounts, and make a run for it. Yes, that's where the title came from - keep up.

So all I'm saying is that it could be worse. You could have seen this film, and wasted a good 120 minutes on it.

(Actually, it could have been even worse - in the novel that the film was based on, the death age was 21. No giant key for you. I haven't read the book, but I'm pretty sure many of the people in it opted for a quick and painless death rather than listen to their mates give an embarrassing 21st speech.)

Day 98 - Neigh sayers

This is a story about how I thought I was a Horse, but was actually a Snake all along.

This year, according to Chinese astrology, is the Year of the Pig. Next year, the year I turn 30, is the Year of the Rat. Or to give it its full title, the Year of the Brown Earth Rat. You see, as well as the 12 animal zodiac, there's also five elements (Wind, Earth, Water, Fire and Metal) that are also associated with colours (Red, Green, Brown, Black, White). I mention this only because 2010 will be awesome - it is the year of the White Metal Tiger. An awesome year...and an even more awesome band name. I give you permission to use it, provided that you promise to rock. But I digress...

The year I was born was 1978, which was, to quote Frank Sinatra, "A Very Good Year". It was also the year of the Brown Earth Horse. Boring. I mean, you would just walk straight past a Brown Earth Horse...unlike a White Metal Tiger. So for a very long time, I thought that I was one of those people lumbered with the most boring astrological star sign ever. Until, one year in high school, in Chinese class, I looked up a calendar which listed the day that Chinese New Year started for each year. And in 1978...it was in February...after my birthday.

This meant - goodbye Brown Earth Horse, and hello to 1977's RED FIRE SNAKE. (Cue wailing electric guitars....peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooow).

Oh, you'll know if someone was born in the year of the Red Fire Snake, my friend. Maybe our snakeskin boots and motorbike will give it away. Or maybe the crash of power chords every time we enter a room.

There is an off chance you will confuse us with a White Metal Tiger person, but I doubt it (last White Metal Tiger year was 1950).

And that is how I roll. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww. (Yes, that is a visual representation of an electric guitar power chord).

PS. I challenge the White Metal Tigers to match our band, the Red Fire Snakes, at the Battle of the Bands in 2028 (giving the 2010 kids time to prepare).

Day 99 - Revenge of the monkeys

Only one day after writing about how mankind is superior to monkeys, the monkeys have struck back. It seems that New Delhi is suffering from a monkey problem, to the extent that monkeys recently attacked the Deputy Mayor, and in 2004, broke into the Ministry of Defence and tore up 'secret documents'.

The end of the article in today's copy of The Australian notes that the city advertised for people to join its team of three monkey catchers, and no-one applied. Three catchers for a total monkey population of around 5500!

Another problem is what to do with all the monkeys. Well, in the 1930's, an enterprising couple came up with the ultimate spectator event - greyhound racing with monkey jockeys. Absolutely true. Ah...the 1930's. Tremble in fear Loretta and Charles David, should the RSPCA ever develop a time machine and a penchant for freeing monkeys.

Stay tuned - more posts on turning 30 coming soon. Promise!

Day 100 - Let the Countdown Begin

It's 100 days until I bid farewell to my mid to late twenties and say hello to the big 30. And I am totally fine with that. Yes, completely fine. So fine with it, in fact, that I have established this blog to count down the days. Rest assured, I plan to make the most of these 100 days...and hope to share it with you, the discerning reader.

I AM BETTER THAN A MONKEY

But first, a quick note on why reaching 30 should be celebrated. Here's the thing - if the boffins over at Pub Quiz Help can be believed, the average life expectancy of a monkey is only 13 years. That's right - between me and a monkey, I have already won. Freaky turtles aside, man generally kicks arse when it comes to life expectancy. Hippos, for example, generally keel over when they are around 30. Theoretically, this means that if there is a hippo at the zoo that was born at the same time as me, I could see it shuffle off this mortal coil at the same time I'm celebrating my birthday milestone. In fact, I think I'll call Werribee Zoo tomorrow and check.

For the curious, here are some other average life expectancies:
* Bottlenose dolphin - 20 (no awkward 21st speeches for Flipper)
* Pig - 10 (actually, I'm not sure how this can be true, what with bacon being so delicious)
* Mouse - 2 (ha, ha)
* Human - 75 (so I'm not even nearly half-way)