Days 71 to 78 - Special Catch-up edition

Well, yes. It's been a while between drinks. Not literally, of course. I mean that it's been a while since I posted on this blog. Hopefully you have all used this time to catch up on some of the old posts.

You haven't? Well, go do that now. I'll wait.

Oh, you're back. Look, I'm sorry I haven't posted. But I'll make it up to you with this grab bag of goodies. Yes, a bribe.

Firstly, here is a site that provides you with monkey related news. It's a trifle serious for my tastes, but beggars can't be choosers when it comes to monkey news!

All right, if you didn't like that one, visit this blog. This blog puts my monkey related postings to shame. Way to blog! Blog. Blog. Blog. (It sounds funny if you say it over and over.)

Now here's something even better. Monkeys performing parodies of classic movies. Oh Youtube, how did we ever survive without you!

First up...have you ever wondered what Yoda would be like...as a monkey? I know I have.



Second up...Die Hard (Monkey Edition).



There's heaps more of these on Youtube, go look!

OK, I admit that this was a pretty weak post, but everything should be back on schedule next week!

Day 79 - The Monkey Yardstick

Leaving aside the question of whether orangutans are monkeys (answer: close enough), it seems that blogs such as this one that are blatantly pro-monkey have won over our PM.

Now he's going to give $500,000 to save the orangutans in Borneo.

This is smart politicking. In one swoop, John Howard has sewn up:
- the monkey vote
- the Borneo vote
- the "I thought hospitals were getting too much anyway" vote.

Of course, this is only if the Liberals win. Some say that this promise is a clear indicator that John Howard no longer thinks they can, and is just trying to see if he can get Kevin Rudd to copy him on everything. I agree. It is clear that we have a new way of measuring whether someone is taking an election campaign seriously or not - the monkey yardstick.

If your election campaign is flagging and nothing, but nothing, will chase those blues away, then there's a sure fire way of raising spirits high! The monkey yardstick! The monkey yardstick says "I've given up!" but in a fun, monkey-friendly way! Get your monkey yardstick today!

The monkey yardstick is great for local council elections:
"I think we should repair the footpath near the shops!"
"I think we need more monkeys!"

For arguing in court:
"He was holding the knife, was covered in blood and was shouting 'I did it! I did it!'"
"Your Honour, with all due respect - monkeys."

For the home:
"I want to watch Deperate Housewives."
"Yes, but I...well...fine. Monkey monkey monkey."

Day 80 & 81 - Weekend Edition - And hilarity ensued...

Welcome to a very special edition of the blog that celebrates (laments?) turning 30.

When you think of the year 1978, what do you think of? If you said "It's the year that some awesome people were born in, particularly awesome blog writers" then thankyou, and stay off the medication. However, if you're thinking about the first appearance of a fat, orange cat, you'd be right too.


Yes, folks. 1978 marks the comic strip debut of that lasagna eating feline, Garfield. So, yeah, Garfield turns 30 next year, joining me and other luminaries such as Ashton Kucher and Ben Cousins.

Garfield appears in over 2500 newspapers, has featured in two movies, an animated series, a computer game and, most importantly of all...he used to be funny. I think.

As a kid, I used to collect the Garfield strips from the newspaper and then paste them in a big black folder. And I used to think they were hilarious. But maybe they weren't. Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield (and who doesn't even draw the strip anymore - other people do it for him!) said that he had made a conscious attempt to avoid social commentary. And boy did he succeed. Garlfield predates Seinfeld as a comedy about 'nothing' (aside from a fat cat).

Oh, and I used to have two 'read along with me' Garfield books. You know, you listen to the tape and read along at the same time. Only you read along with the Garlfield comic strips. And my books were not on tape, but on vinyl. And I really like italics.

There's lots I could write about Garfield, but the main thing I wanted to address was the "voice of Garfield" conspiracy. You see, in 1988 (when Garfield was 10 and so was I), he had an animated series (which went for about seven years). And on the series, his voice was provided by the excellently named Lorenzo Music. Here he is...

And here is a tiny, tiny bit of Mr Music in action as Garfield (you'll have to wait until the end - don't worry, it's quite short).



Unfortunately, Lorenzo Music passed away in 2001, so he couldn't be the voice of Garlfield in the feature films. That job went to the hilarious (although sadly, not in this case) Bill Murray. Bill Murray, you might recall, played Dr Peter Venkman in a little film I like to call...Ghostbusters.

Now, Ghostbusters became super popular in the 80s. So popular that like all popular things in the 80s it was given its own cartoon called The Real Ghostbusters. It was called "The Real" Ghostbusters because there was another cartoon called "Ghostbusters" which was based on a black and white TV series. I know, I know. It does not make sense. Don't get me started. Anway, my point is that Bill Murray didn't play Dr Venkman in the cartoon. Guess who did? Yep, Lorenzo Music. (Again, it's near the end of the clip)

So there you have it. The guy who was the first voice of Garfield was the cartoon voice of the guy who would be the voice of Garfield. Get your head around that!

Day 82 - Word Up

You have to love Webster's Dictionary (and not just because it's named after the classic sitcom character). Every year they add new words to the dictionary so that it keeps up with our ever evolving language. Fo' shizzle! So what gems did they introduce almost 30 years ago in 1978?
(All these words were really added in 1978. Honest.)


longneck (noun) - beer served in a bottle that has a long neck

Thanks Webster's! I would never have guessed that a bottle with a long neck was called a longneck! You have done society a great service.


brewski (noun- slang) - beer

As in "I ski, you ski, we all ski for brewski". All right, no one in Australia uses this word - if they do, they have been watching way, way, way too much US television. Even more than me!


shootaround (noun) - a usually informal basketball practice session

Really? I've never ever heard this word before. Don't use it, though. I think if you went around asking people if they were interested in a shootaround you may be quickly picked up by the police.


tweener (noun) - a player who has some but not all of the necessary characteristics for each of two or more positions (as in football or basketball)

Also, Tweener was the name of one of the characters from Prison Break, Series One (and part of Series Two). Way to go, Tweener, you're in the dictionary. Now all we need is a dictionary definition for Scofield (noun) - to be the modern incarnation of MacGuyver. (I apologise to all non-Prison Break watchers who won't get this. Look, Scofield is like MacGuyver - watch the show).


gimme cap (noun) - an adjustable visored cap that often features corporate logo or slogan

What rot. Now they're just making stuff up.


lookism (noun) : prejudice or discrimination based on physical appearance and especially physical appearance believed to fall short of societal notions of beauty

I knew it! I knew this kind of prejudice existed. See you at the Anti-Discrimination Tribunal, modelling agencies of Melbourne! Reject my portfolio will you?!? Here's a sample:


And now for a word that should be in the dictionary, but isn't. Please use it as much as possible:


nigglies (noun): that feeling you get just before you go to see a movie or sit an exam that you need to go to the bathroom.

Day 83 - Over and under (achievers)

It has recently come to my attention that I am not the only person turning 30 next year. In fact, some people may already be 30. Or even older. As such, this blog (which harps on and on about turning 30) is a frightening reminder of how time stops for no-one. Except Marty McFly.

Oh well.

Anyway, just to make us all feel worse, here's a list of things that famous people achieved when they were 30. Actually, some of these things may make you feel better...

1. At age 30, Mark Twain published his first short story, "Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog".

Firstly, how lame does that story sound? Secondly, this was his first story, and he was 30. His best writing years were ahead of him! After reading this blog, you probably think that my best writing years are ahead of me too.

2. Bill Gates was the first person ever to become a billionaire by age 30.

Yes, ok, he was the first person. But that doesn't mean that other people can't achieve the same thing. I, for example, have 83 days to match Mr Gates and become a billionaire. First I have to work out how eBay works. Secondly, I need something to sell on eBay. Thirdly...oh I give up. You might be rich, Gatesy, but do you have love? Do you? Oh, you do. Well, do you have all four series of Futurama on DVD? No? I win!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

3. At age 30, George W. Bush was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol near his family's summer home in Kennebunkport, Maine. He pleaded guilty, was fined US$150, and had his driver's license suspended.

And that guy became president (of the US, not Australia...although some would argue the point). So you see, you can totally be a screw up when you're 30 and still go onto great things. Well, maybe not great. But you can still be president. Ok, you can't be president of the US unless you were born there (sorry Arnie), but you can be president of other things. Like my fan club. Memberships are still available, by the way.

4. Before he was 30, Kirkpatrick MacMillan invented the first real bicycle.

I'm not sure if this one is actually true, but I hope it is. I reckon that Ol' Kirky was nearly 30, looked down, noticed a bit of a belly and thought, I'd better get fit. But in his day, spin classes at the gym just consisted of people turning round and round on the spot and getting dizzy for their trouble. So he invented the bicycle and never looked back (a shame, because he would have seen that he was holding up traffic).

Here are a few things we wouldn't have without Kirky's invention:
- BMX Bandits
- That feeling you get when you're driving along and you're in a hurry, but a cyclist is in front of you and just doesn't care. I could be a doctor going to an emergency. I'm not, but I could be.
- Stackhats
- Spokeydokes (look these up if you don't know what they are)
- Freakishly massive calf muscles
- That song by Queen that goes "I want to ride my biiiiiiicycle, biiiiiicycle...."
- Harley Davidson and the Malboro Man
- That scene where ET and Elliot fly

Day 84 - Things to do and why you don't need to do them

Hello there! There's a lot of lists floating around out there listing all the things you should do before you retire from the crease (that's a sporting analogy - it just sounds awkward when I use them. I need a few nerdier analogies.) There's also a few lists telling you the things you should do before you're 30. But I don't like to be told what to do (just like Han Solo didn't like to be told to meet with Jabba the Hut. See - nerd analogies flow much better on this blog).


So...here are some typical list items and why you don't need to do them.


1. Swim with the dolphins.

Really, what's so great about dolphins? They just have a good marketing department. So good, in fact, that they would have you believe that dolphins are mammals and not fish. Don't be fooled. This is only to prevent people from eating them. Imagine if chickens had figured this out first: "Oh no, don't eat chickens! They're mammals, and they're really intelligent! Seriously!" And we would be visiting Country World on the Gold Coast instead of Sea World.


2. Learn another language.

From my studies of American tourists, I have learnt that if at first you're not understood, then JUST. SPEAK. SLOWLY. AND. LOUDLY. Easy.


3. Run a marathon.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Listen. The very first marathon commemorated the run by a messenger from Athens to Sparta. He was sent to get help because the Persians were coming. If you've seen 300, you'll know this was a daunting prospect. Anyway, unless you're warning someone about the Persians, there's no need to run. Exception - if you're allergic and running away from this type of Persian:

4. Buy a monkey.

Actually, everyone should do this at least once.
(Seriously, you could sponsor one from the zoo or even the Australian Orangutan Project. Or you could smuggle one into the country from India dressed in a coat and hat and with a fake moustache. And when questioned, you can say: "My son has a body hair problem! How dare you!")

Day 85 - Egghead likes his booky-wook!

Those of you who know me well might be surprised that I've waited this long before quoting The Simpsons on this blog (see this post's title).


Having covered the exciting worlds of cinema, television and (briefly) music in 1978, it's time I devoted space to literature, or as we in the art-world like to call it, "them things with words".


Of course, that would require me:
(a) to have read some of the books that were published in 1978; or
(b) to actually have heard of the books that were published in 1978.


And sadly, despite my extensive book collection (every book by Matthew Reilly, some of the paperbacks by Dean Koontz with the best covers, multiple books featuring angsty 20-somethings and 30-somethings, and that issue of Superman where he ends up in the future and has no powers!) I haven't really done (a), and can't really do (b).


Except.


Except there were a few books from 1978 that I have read. Classics in fact. Here are their titles:
Mr Busy
Mr Clever
Mr Grumpy
Mr Mischief
Mr Clever
(Actually, I tell a lie. I've never read Mr Mischief. I just wanted you to think more of me.)


The Mr Men books were a series of colourful children's books all written by super-genius Roger Hargreaves (except some of the recent ones by his kids, but really, the less said about the incredibly lame Mr Birthday, the better).


The concept is simple...the name describes the characteristic that best encapsulates the character. Mr Strong was strong. Mr Small was small. Mr Funny was funny (ish). Mr Tickle was...well, actually, I don't know what the *#%@ Mr Tickle was. I like to think that if I was a Mr Man, I would be Mr Awesome. (Or, Mr Deluded).


Let's take Mr Busy, first published nearly 30 years ago. Mr Busy is great, not just because he highlighted the plight of the time poor years before it became fashionable, but because his name is AWESOME in other languages. In French, he's Monsieur Rapide. In German, Unser Herr Schnell. And in Spanish...this is fantastic...Don Ocupado. Can't you just picture the scene with Don Ocupado?


A: "Don Ocupado?"
B: "Yes? I'm very busy. Mr Busy, in fact."

A: "I need a favour, Don Ocupado. This guy, he has freakishly long arms and keeps tickling me."
B: "We'll send a message to this...Mr Tickle. Mr Strong will take care of it."

A: "Thankyou Don Ocupado. But if your name is in Spanish, shouldn't everyone's name be in Spanish?"
B: "..."

A: "Don Ocupado? What are you...no...no...NOOOOOOOOO!!"
And so on...


By the way, apparently there's going to be a TV cartoon of the Mr Men soon...but some of the men have been...changed. Mr Nosy, for example, does not have a big nose. Hey - note to the producers...Mr Nosy has a big nose. It's not that hard.


Lastly, I will leave you with this thought. The story of Mr Cheerful, the last Mr Man (is that the singular?) created by Roger Hargreaves, is the story of a man who is cheerful only to hide his embarrassing secret! What is his embarrassing secret? Did he write the truly awful Mr Birthday? No. His secret is that he is balding. Seriously. Then he learns to live with it (because he's still a cool guy and plus Mr Happy is just a big circle - it could be worse). Yeah, that's right Mr Men. Mr Cheerful is balding and still cool.


Mr Cheerful is my new hero.

Day 86 - I went so that you didn't have to

Tomorrow is the Melbourne Cup and a public holiday for us good folk in Melbourne town. Not for the rest of the state, though. Because they get...um...well, I'm sure they get another day off...maybe...let's call it "Magic Day". I'm sure that country Victoria knows how well regarded they are by the state government - indicating it or showing it in any way is just plain unnecessary.

Anyway, today saw the annual Melbourne Cup Parade in the heart of the city. Traditionally, the parade features a couple of the horses from the main race, and a few past winners. Not this year...equine influenza (horse flu for those of you not familiar with fancy-speak. By the way, a bird cage is now an 'avian detention centre' and a dog collar is a 'canine necktie').

No horses, you say? (Yes, I can hear you.) Then what is the point? Short answer: No point. Longer answer, so I can bring you photos of top notch celebrities like:

The guy from "Queer Eye for a Straight Guy".

Don't get me wrong. It's awesome that we import celebrities from overseas because ours aren't quite good enough. But if we can have celebrities from cancelled television shows then why can't we have some top shelf celebrities. Like Webster.

Oh, we also had Delta Goodrem, John So and Human Nature. It's great that Human Nature could take time out from their busy schedule of attending things that have nothing to do with them (at least Delta's singing the anthem tomorrow and John So is awesome). I wonder if a phone conversation with them would go like this:

Hello, Human Nature?
Yes?

Do you want to come to our-
Yes!

But I haven't even told you what it is or when it's on...
I'll check our diary. We can come.

Are you sure? I mean, if you're busy...
We'll be there. In fact, we can come over right now. Please let us come over. We'll bring a salad.

Um...ok.
And 4000 copies of our latest album.

There's always a catch.

Day 87 & 88 - Weekend Edition - A horse and a monkey

This Tuesday is the Melbourne Cup - the crown jewel in the Victorian racing calendar. Far classier than any other race day, it's a day on which the men wear suits and pretend that they can taste the difference between Crownies and VB, and the women get to wear massive hats and 'fascinators' (note:- if you're ever considering DJ-ing for a corporate marquee, I think DJ Fascinator is a brilliant DJ name).

So here's today's tenuous link to the blog's theme - who won the Cup in 1978 (year I was born)?

Through the magic of the interweb, I can tell you that it was a horse called "Arwon". Although his name sounds like something out of LOTR (that's "Lord of the Rings", for you non-nerds), he was actually named by reversing the letters in Nowra, the town where one member of the syndicate that owned him lived. Here were the rejected names on the shortlist:
Gnoleeg
Eebirrew
Ruobrah Sffoc
and, the Gaellic sounding: Siht Gnidaer Er'uoy Eveileb T'nac I

And get this. Arwon was the Melbourne Cup's oldest living winner. Until he wasn't. Yes, Arwon lived to the ripe old age of...33. Until he was euthanised! Poor old Arwon. Sure, his mane was thinning a bit, but he managed to comb it over so that no-one noticed. He kept up with the latest youth trends: piercings, dyeing his coat black so he could be a bit 'emo' and neighing ironically. But oh no. We couldn't have a horse that was over the hill, could we? He starts looking at timeshares and noting how capital gains tax is way too high and BLAM! That's it. And you wonder why horses lie about their age. (If you don't, you should).

In monkey related news, a friend living in the UK brought it to my attention that a chimp that could use sign language has died. He was 42, so at least he got a few more years than Arwon, maybe because he was able to sign to the scientists: "You better keep me around or I'll tell everyone where the grant money was really spent."

Day 89 - What are colitas?

So, we've covered movies and television (and if yesterday's entry counts, sport). What next? Even though I have been told that my muscial tastes make my iPod cry, let's try talking music.

In 1978, the "Record of the Year" at the Grammy Awards was none other than the classic "Hotel California" by our feathered friends, the Eagles. But what is it about, exactly? (And don't say "a hotel"). Let me enlighten you with a line by line analysis of the lyrics.

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Comment:- No problem so far. Unless "cool wind" is a type of hair gel.

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Comment:- I always assumed that colitas were something like fajitas, which would explain the warm smell. You will be surprised to learn that this is actually a popular theory. Importantly, colitas are not desert flowers (the most popular theory).

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
Comment:- Man sees light.

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
Comment:- The narrator's neck muscles suddenly collapse, and his cataracts act up. This is bad. I hope he stops for the night.

I had to stop for the night
Comment:- Phew. What a relief.

There she stood in the doorway
Comment:- Who? Who? And what doorway? What are you talking about?

I heard the mission bell
Comment:- So you're at a mission? You're on a mission? Who was in the doorway? The suspense is killing me.

And I was thinking to myself,'this could be heaven or this could be hell’
Comment:- Come on dude, focus! Who's in the doorway?

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
Comment:- Fine. Don't tell me.

There were voices down the corridor
Comment:- Good. Maybe those people will know who this mysterious woman is that you're following into a place so old that it doesn't have electricity (she lit up a candle) after your sight "grew dim". I'm not sure that's all that's dim.

I thought I heard them say...Welcome to the hotel california
Comment: Look. I'm not interested in what you thought you heard. Go and see the people and then tell me what they said, instead of obsessing about wisps of conversation you're too far away to hear. For crying out loud.

Such a lovely place. Such a lovely face.
Comment: OK, so it's not a mission. It seems to be a hotel. With a face.

Plenty of room at the hotel california
Comment: Yes, because there's no electricity.

Any time of year, you can find it here
Comment: I give up. I don't know what "it" is. At this point in the song, here are the things we don't know:
- what colitas are
- why the singer's neck collapsed
- who the frig was in the doorway
- where the mission bell was
- what the mission bell is
- where the singer is
- why there is no electricity
- why he listens to the voices and doesn't ask the mysterious person from the doorway
- what 'it' is.

What an awesome song. So simple and clear. And I haven't even gotten to "tiffany twisted" or captains bringing wine.

Day 90 - Uncanny

Gasp in amazement and wonder at the spooky parallels between fallen from grace AFL star Ben Cousins and my good self!

Ben: Aged 29
Me: Aged 29.

Ben: Turns 30 next year.
Me: Turns 30 next year. With me so far?

Ben: Won the Leigh Matthews trophy while playing for the West Coast Eagles.
Me: Owned a Leigh Matthews footy card.

Ben: Bought ice.
Me: Bought ice for a barbecue. For the drinks.

Ben: Looks like he works out.
Me: Ditto. (It's my blog, I can write what I want)

Ben: Has a tattoo that says "Such is Life", the last words of Ned Kelly.
Me: Was a big fan of Tattoo from Fantasy Island, and have seen the film Reckless Kelly (unfortunately).

Ben: Has visted LA...
Me: Me too!

Ben: For rehab.
Me: For a computer games convention. (Similarities may end here, if they haven't already).